


Tired and Battered Souls

by katherynmae



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F, post s3 fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 21:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4279227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katherynmae/pseuds/katherynmae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vera has adjusted to her new role as Governor, but she just can't shake the idea of her and Joan ending unhappily. So, instead, with their roles now reversed - Vera finds herself in search of answers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tired and Battered Souls

\- tired and battered souls -

Adjusting the last pages of paperwork in front of her, Vera Bennett let out a soft exhale and she glanced at the clock that hung across from her on the wall. The second hand seemed to tick far too slow this afternoon and she reached up to press a finger to her temple. To her surprise, the past week had been uneventful, aside from a new inmate, Kaz Proctor, trying to snag Bea’s post in laundry that morning, but she found herself more tired than expected. It wasn’t that she found the job of governor hard, Joan had been right about her, she had just needed the training but there were moments when she needed a break.

_Joan_. Her predecessor’s presence still hovered throughout the office, Vera hadn’t thought of changing all that much when Channing had appointed her to replace Joan in the days that followed the fire. Grinding her teeth, Vera glanced around the room and if she closed her eyes, she could still picture how Joan had kept her sanctuary so neat. Pushing back in her chair, Vera folded her hands in front of her, glancing back at the time once more. _Being early couldn’t hurt for once_.

Standing to circle around her desk, Vera moved to make her way into the small bathroom besides the office. She didn’t usually find herself being nervous, she had gotten over that shortly into her first day as governor, and she exhaled as she eyed herself in the mirror. Reaching up, she brushed her fingers along her hair, loosening it from the twist that she had taken to keeping it in and she pulled it loose. Her hair fell around her shoulders and she ran her fingers through it, admiring the way it curled ever so faintly around her shoulders. With the addition of the faintest touch of lip stick and retracing the eyeliner she had applied that morning, Vera gave herself a small shake.

No one else knew that twice a week after her workday, Vera made a trip to the psychiatric hospital where they had brought Joan to after the fire. It had been nearly a month since she admission and while the visits seemed almost pointless to her. But, Joan’s doctor had insisted after she had questioned the motive in coming back over and over again when Joan never seemed to acknowledge her, it was helping. A part of Vera hated herself for going, she knew it was partly her doing that Joan was in the place she was now, but she hated herself just as much knowing that she was responsible. She hoped, over and over, that the day would come when she arrived at the hospital and Joan gave her the slightest inclination that she recognized her.

Collecting her things, Vera made her way from the office and she let out a soft sigh, the events of the past few weeks running through the back of her mind. While she regretted threatening Joan with how much she had told the board about Joan, she was grateful that she hadn’t told them anything in the end at all. As much as she knew that she wanted Joan to see the mistakes that she _had_ made as governor, she knew that turning Joan into the board would not only ruin her, but Vera knew she couldn't handle her own guilt.

Making her way through the prison, she exhaled the minute that she stepped free of the front entrance. She hovered in the evening air, the faint breeze causing her hair to flutter around her face as she made her way towards her car. The parking lot was devoid of the usual evening activity, Vera had made sure of the fact that she snuck out before the evening shift of officers came in and she glanced around as she reached her car. A part of her wanted to turn and run the opposite way, back to her office in the prison or back home to hide on her couch with a glass of wine but she had to keep her promise to Joan’s doctor, and to Joan herself.

\- tired and battered souls -

Shoving her hands into her pockets, Vera rocked back and forth on her toes as she glanced around at the entranceway of the psychiatric hospital. She had already signed in and each time, the wait between her arrival and when Joan’s doctor met her in the lobby always seemed to take longer. Dropping into a chair in the corner, she picked at her nail beds, foot tapping anxiously against the leg of the table besides her. She wasn’t usually early, or even on time, when she left Wentworth, but something had told her that she needed to be there today.

“Ms Bennett?” Stepping from behind the counter, Joan’s psychologist in the hospital raised a hand to wave at her, her gaze calm. “You’re early.” Motioning for Vera to follow her, she managed a weak smile, “Come on back.”

Vera nearly jumped from her seat, the shreds of nervousness that she had felt before arriving seemed to fade the minute she heard her name called and she grinned. “Afternoon.” Reaching for the psychologist’s hand, Vera grasped it for a moment, “I’m sorry that I never called Doctor Goodman.” The two of them waked through the hall towards the offices in silence, Vera was all too familiar with the walk and she swallowed as they stepped into the quiet office at the end of the hall.

“You know Ms Bennett, I’m glad that you’re here today.” Circling to sit in her chair, Doctor Goodman blinked as she glanced across the desk at Vera. “I think your presence may have been noticed last time you were here.”

“Oh?” Vera arched an eyebrow, a bit surprised at the doctor’s words and she cocked her head to the side, “What do you mean?” She had never gotten that response before, in fact, when she had visited Joan in the past, there had never been any indication that Joan even realized that she was there.

Hesitating, Doctor Goodman shifted in her seat and she cleared her throat a bit, meeting Vera’s curious gaze. “She asked if you were coming today.” Pausing, she let Vera take in this information, watching her face change and she nodded. “She’s never given me a hint that she even realized you were there, or her feelings about it, but she seemed almost desperate to see you today.”

Vera shifted as well, this time more out of anticipation than nerves and she bit the inside of her cheek, hoping her voice didn’t give her away. “I don’t want to sound rude, but can I see her?” Her foot tapped against the side of the chair and her eyes seemed to light up, “We can talk later. I just..I want to see her.” She hoped the eagerness in her voice would fade by the time she had reached Joan’s room and she let out a small hiss of air. “Please?”

“She’ll be happy to see you.” Standing almost as quickly as she had sat down, Doctor Goodman circled the desk once more, moving to hover besides Vera for a moment. “She’s just come back from her lunch, so she may be up for a bit of a talk when she sees you.” Holding open the door, the two of them made their way into the hall and along the corridor to the smaller, single rooms of the hospital.

Beforehand, when Joan had still been secluded in her strait jacket and padded cell, Vera had insisted that they not bring her inside with her. The offer had been made after her second visit, when she had hovered outside the door of the cell, her fingers brushing across the glass and breath fogging up the window, but she had declined. She liked the idea of them not being in the same room together then, but the minute they had begun easing Joan into a smaller, more secluded room in the most heavily observed section of the hospital, Vera had been insistent that she sit with her. The walk to Joan’s new room was much calmer, including the large windows that looked over the courtyard below, and Vera found herself relieved that Joan had a window of her own.

Pausing besides Doctor Goodman outside the door of Joan’s room, Vera gave herself a small shake as the doctor rapped softly on the door. Craning her neck, she could see Joan sitting in the corner on her bed, as she had the past few times, folding small pieces of paper between her fingers. “She’s been folding small origami boxes all morning, though I’m not sure what she intends to do with them.” Cracking open the door slowly, Doctor Goodman poked her head into the room, “Joan, you have a visitor.” She stepped into the room first, moving to hold open the door for Vera to join her as well in the small corner room, and she let the door swing shut behind the three of them.

Vera was all too familiar with the way Joan’s room looked and her gaze softened as she moved to sit in the metal chair at the foot of the bed. A hand resting on the edge of the bed, she blinked, admiring the way that Joan’s eyes almost seemed to shine at her presence. Joan’s thick black hair fell in loose waves around her face, a vision that Vera found herself appreciating each time she came by, and the corner of her mouth twitched into the faintest grin.

“Vera.” Voice soft, Joan set down the paper in her lap and she blinked at her, the two of them all too aware that Doctor Goodman still hovered by the door, watching them. “You came.” She stopped, her voice still hoarse from remaining quiet for so long and she swallowed, looking at her doctor curiously.

“Maybe water would be good.” Vera shifted, as if she knew what Joan was about to request and she reached across the bed to touch Joan’s hand softly. She waited until Doctor Goodman had left them alone, usually she hesitated with the action, knowing that she wasn’t supposed to leave Vera and Joan alone, but she had noticed how Joan seemed to relax when Vera was around her. Her fingers brushed against the small paper boxes that Joan had been folding and she picked one of the blue ones up between her fingers, trying to restrain a small laugh. The blue was almost the same shade as the teal tracksuits that the two of them knew so well and she blinked at Joan, “Of course I’m here.”

Returning the blue paper square to the pile, Vera blinked at her former governor, still not used to how broken she looked without her trademark pantsuits. “I wouldn’t miss spending time with you for anything. I just…I know you’ve heard this before, but I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.” Her voice was soft and the speech that she gave every time was far too familiar to both of them. “I wish you had opened up to me Joan, I would have done something.” Vera knew that Joan had tried that and how it had ended, and she stopped to brush her fingers over the back of Joan’s hand once more. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Joan opened her mouth, her voice soft and she stared at Vera’s fingers against her skin, “Don’t be sorry Vera, you didn't do this to me. Please don’t do this.” The more she spoke, her closer her voice seemed to cracking and she swallowed, her throat sore  and she blinked at her. Stopping, she glanced up, hearing the her doctor hovering in the doorway and she pulled her hand free of Vera’s touch. “It’s okay.”

Accepting the water that Doctor Goodman had offered the door of them, Vera bit the inside of her cheek. Lifting the glass to her lips, Vera eyed Joan over the rim, watching as she poked at the small paper boxes in front of her. The two of them fell silent now that they were no longer alone and reaching across the bed, Vera picked up one of the small boxes. The minute they were no longer alone, Vera always seemed to fall silent and she waited until she had felt her presence was no longer necessary. Even the idea that made her shudder a bit and she picked at her nail beds a bit more, swallowing a bit nervously.

“Thank you.” Joan’s voice was a bit cleared after she had drunk her glass of water and she returned her focus to the paper boxes in front of her. She balanced a few on top of each other, amused at the way they toppled over and she scrunched up her nose as she looked up at Vera. In her interest to balance the paper boxes, Joan hadn’t noticed that Vera had begun to shift uncomfortably on her seat. “Are you going?”

“Maybe I should.” Vera felt guilty admitting that, she would have much preferred to stay besides Joan and watch her throughout the evening. Last time, she hadn’t even announced her exit, having simply become too uncomfortable to sit in the silence and she had nearly run from the room, a mixture of fear and panic at realizing how devoted she was becoming to Joan’s care. “I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

Standing, she reached for Joan’s hands, moving to embrace her in a small hug, “I promise.” Vera was almost surprised to feel Joan reach up and return the small gesture and she shuddered a bit, feeling Joan’s fingers tickle the back of her neck and she exhaled, releasing her. “I’ll be back tomorrow Joan.” She had never come two days in a row before, the usual sight of Joan sitting soundlessly on her bed, looking like a small lost puppy always frightened her off for a day or two before guilt returned and she found herself sitting besides Joan once more. The sight of her once formidable governor huddled in a corner of the small bed, her hair falling in loose waves around her shoulders frightened her and intrigued her at the same time, but she tried to rely on the latter when it came to their time together.

Joan’s response was mumbled and Vera had to strain to hear it and their gaze met over the pile of paper origami boxes. Watching as Joan reached into the pile, she handed her one of the origami boxes and let the small teal paper box fall into Vera’s hand. Closing her hand around it, Vera smiled, her eyes lighting up at the small reminder of her visit and she nodded, echoing her words once more. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Moving to step closer towards the door, she stared at the small paper box and held it in front of her, “Don’t worry.”

Vera waited until she and Joan’s doctor had left the room and she stared at the small origami box, her voice hushed. “It _is_ all right that I come see her tomorrow, isn’t it?” She had to drag her feet away from Joan’s door to follow after Doctor Goodman and Vera let out a hiss of air, “I don’t want to overwhelm her now that she’s asking about me. What if two days in a row is too much for her and she shuts down again?”

Shaking her head, Doctor Goodman had to let out a soft laugh at Vera’s worry and she opened the door to her office, ushering Vera back into the room. “You worry about her an awful lot.” As she shut the door, she waited until she had circled around the desk to stare at Vera curiously, “If you don’t mind me saying, you treat her a lot more like a friend, or even a partner, than a colleague.”

Vera swallowed nervously at the mention of her and Joan’s personal relationship, along with the speculation of how much she felt for the older woman, and she had to shrug a bit. “My relationship with Joan is a bit, uh, _complicated_ at the moment.” She didn’t want to bring up anything she might regret, after all Doctor Goodman wasn’t her psychiatrist and she didn’t want to admit aloud that she didn’t truthfully know that much about her former governor. “But I care about her. I may be the only person who does.” Pausing, she swallowed again, standing and shifting awkwardly on her feet, “I should go, but I will be back tomorrow, I can’t break another promise to her.”


End file.
